You would expect such a game to be the product of the football-mad mind of Mike Leach. Maybe it would be played on a sun-splashed West Coast field, full of equally sun-splashed NFL prospects.
The high-scoring Big 12 would definitely have to be involved.
But no, as the season turns to Week 5's biggest matchup, we must consider the gravity of what is playing out Saturday night at Beaver Stadium.
No. 9 Penn State will host No. 4 Ohio State in what looks like a "loser leaves town" battle for the Big Ten East, Big Ten and perhaps a playoff berth.
But it's how these teams got to this moment. For the first time in 56 years, a Big Ten game will feature the top two scoring offenses in the country.
The Nittany Lions have gotten here averaging 55.5 points per game. The Buckeyes are second at 54.5. They're also 1-2 in touchdowns (Penn State 31, Ohio State 30).
Combined, Ohio State and Penn State have scored 70 consecutive points against their opponents.
"Wild," said Leach whose offenses at Texas Tech finished in the top 10 in scoring seven times.
While it might seem early to roll out such numbers, it really isn't. A third of the regular season is complete. Penn State quarterback Trace McSorley, you know about him. The loss of Saquon Barkley hasn't seemed to matter much. The same goes play-calling savant Joe Moorhead (now at Mississippi State).
Penn State's Hair-On-Fire quarterback leads the conference in rushing touchdowns (six) as the league's leading rushing quarterback and is second to the new kid on the block in touchdown passes.
That new kid is Dwayne Haskins, already being projected as a one-(year as a starter)-and-done prodigy at Ohio State.
"He's got an 'it' factor about him," said Steve Clarkson, Haskins' California-based throwing coach when the quarterback was a youth. "If he continues at this rate, I would expect Ohio State to be in the Final Four. If he continues like this, I don't see him staying."
That would be a reference to Haskins' sudden NFL potential. No Power Five quarterback has been more accurate (75.7 percent).
At a place that tends to get breathless about its Buckeyes, Haskins is The Next One. Now we know why Bucknuts everywhere were in such a hurry for J.T. Barrett, the Big Ten's career yardage leader, to move on.
Haskins saved the Michigan game last year after Barrett was hurt. This year, he has thrown at least four touchdowns in a game three times.
"It's a big-time moment, prime-time game," Haskins said after the TCU win on Sept. 15. "I did a little of it against Michigan. I decided to do it the whole game today."
Those who cover Ohio State haven't seen a Buckeye quarterback spin it like Haskins in maybe … forever. Troy Smith, the 2006 Heisman Trophy winner, may be the last Ohio State quarterback with this kind of arm strength.
"We've had some pretty high-profile guys around here and I've seen it," Urban Meyer told reporters. "One thing about Columbus, Ohio, is this is the show and they become bigger than life."
Those same insiders have suggested that on the strength of Haskins' arm, the school of Archie Griffin, Eddie George and Maurice Clarett has even become a passing team.
Meyer protégé Tim Tebow is one of the greatest college players of this age. Haskins already looks like he has more NFL potential.
"Once you have the weapons that they have, I think you can do a lot of things," said Pat Cilento, Haskins' high school coach. "I think Urban has done a great job of adjusting to his talent."
Cilento coaches at Bullis School, a private, 87-year old K-12 institution that originally opened as a prep school in the former Bolivian Embassy outside of Washington, D.C.
On Saturday, it will be known as a hatchery of sorts. Haskins will be one of three Bullis players on the field. Penn State tight end Jonathan Holland and linebacker Cam Brown both played together with Haskins at the Maryland school.
"For a little small school on the Potomac, that's pretty good," Cilento said.
Former All-American, Big Ten defensive player of the year Shawn Springs years ago convinced the Haskins family to move from New Jersey to the D.C. area.
It was there where Haskins thrived in the talent-rich area. He and McSorley, from Ashburn, Virginia, trained together only 30 miles apart. Springs was a product of the area, having played in Silver Spring, Maryland, and for five years with the Washington Redskins.
"Dwayne was a little under the radar because we knew we had a special talent," Cilento said, "but there was no reason to get him injured -- run him, but even to throw."
Haskins, Cilento added, only threw about 20 times per game. The Bulldogs only play 10 regular-season games.
"There was no reason for Dwayne to take unnecessary hits," Cilento said. "David Cutcliffe came through the school recruiting for Duke. The thing that I took away from him was, that's great you only play 10 games and don't have playoffs."
We are seeing, then, the full blossom of Haskins. He has been criticized for not running more, but why take a chance? Haskins was rated a top 10 pro-style quarterback coming out of high school. Both tailbacks -- J.K. Dobbins and Mike Weber -- are pro prospects.
"Not only do I think it's smart of him, I think it's smart of the coaches," Cilento said of Ohio State. "What are you going to gain out of the that [running] -- 3, 4, maybe 10 yards?"
Pac-12 Network analyst Yogi Roth says both quarterbacks in Saturday's game are bound for the NFL. Hair-On-Fire (McSorley) vs. Gun For Hire (Haskins)?
"I feel that the NFL is about five years behind college in terms of doing what is working in college," Roth said. "And for what it's worth, Haskins is a top 2 quarterback when projected at the next level."
Ohio State-Penn State, then, is a glimpse at a national offensive revolution in the sport that goes back at least 15 years. It certainly has touched the Big Ten. In four of the last five seasons, a Big Ten offense has finished in the top 11 in scoring. Scoring is up in the league this season 16.5 percent.
We shouldn't be surprised. Ohio State and Penn State tied for sixth nationally last season, each averaging more than 41 points per game.
But remember, Wisconsin still plays with its nose to the ground. Jim Harbaugh's offense is about as creative as vanilla pudding. Rutgers is scaring no one. Nebraska seems miles away.
Given the weather, the philosophies and the tradition of the Big Ten, high-flying offenses are a rarity. The Big 12 accounted for almost a quarter of the top 10 scoring offenses (12) in the last five years.
The last time Big Ten teams were 1-2 in scoring offense at all (minimum two games played) was 1990. Iowa was first at 54 points per game. Indiana was No. 2 at 51.5. They did not play that year.
Sure, Penn State needed 45 points to avoid a season-opening loss to Appalachian State. More to the point, the Nits had 45 points in the holster when needed.
No Barkley? No problem. Junior tailback Miles Sanders is No. 2 in Big Ten rushing.
Ohio State's lowest total was 40 earlier this month against defensively-elite TCU. The Buckeyes still might be defensively elite too, but they're going to have to do without preseason All-American defensive end Nick Bosa, out until November with an injury.
The game may not be a shootout, but any preconceptions you have about Haskins, Penn State, Ohio State, even the Big Ten, these days have to be shot.
